Sunday, October 30, 2011

Movie Reviews for the Bad Movie Lover: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

The Contestant:
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
"The Power of Christ IMPALES You!"

The Review:
I went to my friend's Halloween party last night, and somehow this movie got brought up.  We decided that it was life-threateningly important that we find the movie and watch it.  Surprisingly, it is on Netflix.

How is the overall quality?
Jesus and his hot bitches?  Look at the amazing image
quality!  Also this was part of a musical number!
When you hear the title of the movie, you expect a low-budget film of questionable intent.  And this film doesn't disappoint.  The movie looks like it was filmed by a college student using his parents' old video camera.  The video quality it absolutely terrible and the sound doesn't make up for it.  It looks like a poorly dubbed movie, with the actors' lips not syncing up to the sound, except it is originally in English, so I'm not sure what is going on there.  To top off the awful video and sound, the acting seems like the actors have never tried to act before, and the director just told them to "be tough."  Everyone is monotone, because apparently monotone = tough. Oh, and there are trippy crosses randomly.

How are the plot and the characters?
Awful and awful, to sum it up nicely.  In all honesty, I got distracted around the time the luchador showed up, so I can't give a very good review of the full plot, but from what I saw, the plot was pretty bad.  The vampires want to kill Jesus for some reason and they are also hunting lesbians.  Why lesbians?  I don't know.  In any case, Jesus is a kung-fu master, and he kicks major vampire butt.  He doesn't really have a personality, but I think expecting that would be holding this movie to too high of standards.  Also appearing in the movie is Mary Magnum, who's only defining feature is a shiny red jumpsuit.

Is it so bad it’s good?
Yes.  Very much yes.  I haven not seen a movie so terrible in a long time, if ever!  I don't know if I could actually sit down and watch the entire thing without a big group (and beer!) to make fun of it with.  The dubbing would probably drive me crazy.

So would you watch it again?
Probably not.  It’s worth the watch if you are in the mood for god-awful movies, but I certainly don't want to watch it again.  I don't even know if I want to finish it!

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