Movie Reviews for the Bad Movie Lover: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

The Contestant:
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

"The Power of Christ IMPALES You!"

The Review:
I went to my friend's Halloween party last night, and somehow this movie got brought up.  We decided that it was life-threateningly important that we find the movie and watch it.  Surprisingly, it is on Netflix.

How is the overall quality?

Jesus and his hot bitches?  Look at the amazing image
quality!  Also this was part of a musical number!

When you hear the title of the movie, you expect a low-budget film of questionable intent.  And this film doesn't disappoint.  The movie looks like it was filmed by a college student using his parents' old video camera.  The video quality it absolutely terrible and the sound doesn't make up for it.  It looks like a poorly dubbed movie, with the actors' lips not syncing up to the sound, except it is originally in English, so I'm not sure what is going on there.  To top off the awful video and sound, the acting seems like the actors have never tried to act before, and the director just told them to "be tough."  Everyone is monotone, because apparently monotone = tough. Oh, and there are trippy crosses randomly.

How are the plot and the characters?
Awful and awful, to sum it up nicely.  In all honesty, I got distracted around the time the luchador showed up, so I can't give a very good review of the full plot, but from what I saw, the plot was pretty bad.  The vampires want to kill Jesus for some reason and they are also hunting lesbians.  Why lesbians?  I don't know.  In any case, Jesus is a kung-fu master, and he kicks major vampire butt.  He doesn't really have a personality, but I think expecting that would be holding this movie to too high of standards.  Also appearing in the movie is Mary Magnum, who's only defining feature is a shiny red jumpsuit.

Is it so bad it’s good?
Yes.  Very much yes.  I haven not seen a movie so terrible in a long time, if ever!  I don't know if I could actually sit down and watch the entire thing without a big group (and beer!) to make fun of it with.  The dubbing would probably drive me crazy.

So would you watch it again?
Probably not.  It’s worth the watch if you are in the mood for god-awful movies, but I certainly don't want to watch it again.  I don't even know if I want to finish it!

Movie Reviews for the Bad Movie Lover: Rubber

The Contestant:
Rubber (2010)

The Review:
Well, I was hanging out with a friend this past week and he wanted to watch this movie he just discovered.  All he knew about it was what he told me before we watched it: “It’s about a sentient tire that goes on a killing spree!”

OMG!  That’s a real movie?  I thought it was only a joke movie trailer someone made!
Ever since I have mentioned I saw Rubber to a few people, I have been hearing this exclamation.  I didn’t even realize there was a big to do about it until my boyfriend said he had seen the trailer on some joke website.  I can assure you it is a real movie, or at least real enough to be an hour and a half long and have an IMDb entry.  And here is the official movie site.  There is the trailer for the film on that website.

How is the overall quality?
Honestly, I was surprised.  When my friend told me the basic description, I thought for sure that the movie was going to be terrible B-movie quality.  It wasn’t at all.  The movie is extremely good quality for not being a mainstream movie.  It has the feel of an independent art film rather than a B-horror movie.  It actually might be an art film, but I’m not sure.  The concept behind the movie is interesting, once you figure out what is going on.  There is a lot more to this movie than the description my friend gave me, although I found it to be a bit confusing when I tried to pin down exactly what the deeper concepts were.  I think that might have been the point though.  If you’ve seen this movie, tell me what you think!

How are the plot and the characters?

Meet Robert.  Yes, the tire has a name!
It's in the credits and everything!

Well the basic plot, the sentient tire on a killing spree, is silly and pointless, but rather good for laughs.  There is a lot more to this movie though, as I said above.  I’m not sure what to make of the juxtaposition of the killer tire and the deeper plot though.  The whole movie caught me off guard, especially because I was expecting a bad “horror” movie.  Most of the characters are flat and rather unlikable, but a few of them are interesting for really no reason at all.  They are funny in an intentionally non-intentional way, or at least I think so.  I know this review seems a bit uncertain, and that probably comes from my uncertainty about the movie.  I’m really not sure what to make of it.  I want to pull in a deeper plot, which would make the characters more interesting, but I don’t know if there is one.

Is it so bad it’s good?
I don’t know if I would classify Rubber as a bad movie to begin with actually.  It feels like an art film, maybe one of those movies you would see on the independent movie chanel.  So because of that, I don’t really think it really fits into the category.  It’s certainly not a piece of high quality cinema though.  It isn’t too bad either, so if you have an hour and a half to spare to watch a tire roll around and kill people, I think it is worth the time.  I honestly enjoyed it, some for the ridiculousness of it, and some for the concept behind it.

So would you watch it again?
Probably not.  It’s worth the watch once, with a group of friends to make fun of some aspects of it, but certainly not multiple times!  Although I think my friends really liked it and want to watch it again to better understand the “deep meaning,”  but I don’t think it needs another watch.

Movie Reviews for the Bad Movie Lover: Flash Gordon

The Contestant:
Flash Gordon (1980)

The Review:
My roommate first showed me this movie, and it's certainly something else.  Apparently quite a few of my friends have seen it, but I didn't know it even existed for the longest time.

How is the overall quality?

All that shiny?  That's all individual beads!

Well it was made in the early 80's, so I cut it some slack as far as video quality and special effects.  Although even for the time, I think they are pretty decent.  One thing that stands out to me in this movie are the costumes.  I wish I could own just one of those costumes.  While they are rather outlandish, as to be expected from a science fiction movie, they are incredibly detailed.  Take a look at the picture to the right.  Not a spoiler since he is on the cover, but just look at his details around his collar.  All of the costumes are like this.  I think the entire budget of this movie was spent on the costumes (and sets!).  The music also heavily plays into how awesome this movie is.  If you haven't already seen this movie, or aren't a huge Queen fan, you might not know this, but Queen does all of the music for the movie.  That's right.  Queen.  It's pretty fantastic.

How are the plot and characters?

The plot starts off a bit slow, but it really picks up towards the middle and end, so if you can get past the boring parts, its pretty entertaining.  We (my roommates and I) usually spend the first half making jokes about the movie, or coming up with our own lines for the characters to say, but we have also seen the movie a bunch of times.  The characters themselves are amazing, even if just for the hilarity.  They're over-the-top and stereotypical, but I think this is what makes them so fun to watch.  There are a couple of scenes that I think make the whole movie, but I don't want to spoil anything, so I won't say which ones.  They just stand out as far as how ridiculous they are.  There is action and romance and intrigue, but all are so poorly done that everything comes across as comical.  I definitely watch this movie for a laugh.

Is it so bad its good?
Indeed it is!  The plot and characters are awful, awfully hilarious that is.  The music is fantastic, and the costumes make me want to try to make one of their costumes for myself.  It's best when watched with a bunch of snarky friends so you can make fun of the ridiculous love triangle and pretty much any time Flash is on screen.

So would you watch it again?
Very much so.  My roommate owns it on dvd, so I don't think I could escape seeing it again if I wanted to.  If you haven't seen it, it is definitely worth the watch.

Movie Reviews for the Bad Movie Lover: Intro and The Land Before Time

Here's how these movie reviews are going to work.  I love movies that are so terrible that they become good again.  Most mainstream movies that come out today don't really interest me, but I have been known to enjoy them from time to time.  I want to look at quality of the film and such, but it doesn't matter to me who the actors are or who produced/directed it.  I might include this information if I find it surprising, but in all honesty, when someone tells me a movie is good because it as "so-and-so" in it, I immediately lose all interest in wanting to see that movie.  So I'm going to try to avoid doing that, and write a review that I would actually want to read.  I'm also going to try to avoid spoilers at all costs, so reviews will mostly be overviews of how good the bad movie is or if it is just plain bad.  So without further ado, on to the review!  (hey, I rhyme!)



The Contestant:
The Land Before Time (1988)

From Wikipedia

The Review:
Ok ok, I know The Land Before Time isn't a "bad movie" per se, but it is older and technically a children's movie, but I really want to review it mainly because I just bought it.  This was a favorite movie of mine as a kid, and I was happy to finally own it on DVD after my VHS player ate the tape version.  I put it on last night to see how well it stands up today compared to my childhood memories.

How is the overall quality?
In the first few minutes of watching, the movie is still beautiful.  The music and illustration are literally like works of art.  Even the backgrounds could stand alone as gorgeous paintings.  The only downside is the actual image quality.  Everything is a bit grainy like older films are apt to be, but I was still surprised because I didn't think this movie was that old.  But I did buy the cheap, three movie set (including this movie, An American Tail, and Balto), so I could wave the quality off as just the cheapness of the version I bought.  Although the movie is over twenty years old, so if it wasn't well preserved, it might actually be its age.  But even with the graininess of the image, the overall quality of the film is lovely.  Also, a bit of trivia for you.  Did you know this movie was produced by both George Lucas and Steven Spielburg?  (I know I said I wouldn't do that, oops!, couldn't help myself)

How's the story line and characters?
Well, I can't be too harsh on this film for having a less-than-stellar plot because it is a children's movie, but even with that in mind, it gets a bit slow in some parts.  I don't think it will be something I will be watching all the time, but it is worth bringing out for nostalgic purposes.  There are really childlike moments, that I remember being awesome as a kid, but now they make me cringe.  But although there are a bunch of childlike aspects of this movie, it is rather scary and depressing at times, even for adults.  I know I got a bit teary-eyed last night in some parts.  It tackles some adult issues that I think might be too mature for young children, but I guess they really aren't if I grew up watching this movie.  The characters are cute, and what you would expect from a children's movie.  The main character is the most mature (least annoying) of the group, but they all have aspects about them that make them endearing characters.  There is even a grandfatherly narrator to guide you if you get lost in the ever so deep plot.  Ok, so I can't be that mean.  I like the grandfatherly narrator in the same way that I like documentary narrators.  They've become a comfort-blanket thing, although forgettable.

Would you watch it again?
Of course.  I love this movie, even if just for the nostalgic feeling it gives me.  Will I be watching this movie regularly?  No.  It will probably collect dust until I feel that nostalgic pull again.